Thursday, July 10, 2014

Mental Warfare

Wednesday 7/9/14  I woke up late and missed my one on one meeting with my professor. I was extremely tired from the day before; my classmates and and I decided to go ahead and knock out our data research on produce; milk, steak, and eggs, for the week. We went to five districts, I now have blisters on my feet! It's okay though, as long as the work gets done I don't care. I'm so proud of myself for losing those 54 pounds, because 54 pounds ago I would not have been able to walk up and down those staircases like I am now.  I can't wait to get on the scale when I get home. I went from 350 to 296. I wonder what I am now. I'm doing my best to stay away from the bread. God knows I love it! I've maintained my diet by eating salads, I've had only two bad meals, well kind of. I had a pizza with a salad from a local resturant near the hostel. A salad from a resturant from in the 3rd district. Wednesday Dr. Lukosius took us to La Lafallafel and I ordered the same meal as him, a pita stuffed with chicken liver and salad. That wasn't too bad however I did have a little bit of fries. After awards we went to get desert, my classmates and I tried each other's. That was the only meal I had that day. I did feel slightly bad about it, because of the desert, then I remembered that was all I had! Later on I ate some peanuts and drunk water before bed. When I found out I was able to go to Europe I was not so much afraid of the work or not being able to communicate with the Europeans. It was over eating and gaining weight. 
When I came in after doing my independent study, I ran into a girl in our program that I first talked to at the airport. She was crying because her professor was upset with her because they lost her while touring. I walked her to the patio to talk to her, she was histarical. She was upset because she was having a hard time with making friends, and wanted to go home because she felt she wasn't capable and unworthy of being here. All because they lost her. I tried to calm her down to make her listen. I saw so much of how I felt 54 pounds ago; self conscious. I was never as emotional or distraught as she was visibly, but I felt her reaction. After calming her down, I said to her, you can't let people see you crack or act out of emotion. She said she wanted to go home, I asked her for why? All she could say is that she couldn't do this. I told her if she couldn't she wouldn't  be here, and just being here shows how strong she is. When she explained to me that she gets yelled at a lot at home and now here, I knew her reaction was deeper than her being upset because she got lost and her professor was mad. I also explained to her that not keeping up all the time is bound to happen and that she is not the first or the only student that has gotten left behind or lost. She said she wanted to apologize to her professor but I convinced her to wait until she had calmed down. Yet still tears continued to fall down her cheek. She comes of as a overly dramatic person and a attention seeker. At least that's how I started to feel while watching her cry. But I told her what I say to myself every time I find myself dwelling on past issues. Get up and get over it, stop acting out of emotion because when you do you'll make an even bigger problem than you did. It's a mental thing. It's not easy trying to lose weight, or fit in. Health is for your own personal betterment, not so you can appeal to other people or fit in. I had to remind her that she is here for a purpose or reason and although she may not know why right now, she will someday. But being a Debbie downer was going to make things worse. Even then she continued to say she wanted to go home. I felt in my heart she didn't mean that. She's just mad. I was right because I asked her "and then what?" She didn't have an answer. What does that solve? We hugged it out and I went up stais to do my homework. I hope what I said to her made her feel better and encouraged her to stay here and stick it out. Assuming it did, today she's here. 
As human beings we can be our own worst critique, so focused on the negatives, that the positives, which is what we want, get looked over. As much as I'm so conscious about my body and weight over here, I'm becoming mentally conscious about my thoughts.  
In the words of my wise classmate Dianna "Girl, get your self esteem together and do you!"